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September 8th, 2012

icicleinspring: (chii)
Saturday, September 8th, 2012 08:45 pm
Someone in [community profile] ask_me_anything asked if people from dysfunctional families thought that their pasts had any significant effects on their personalities and said they were inspired by this article on cracked.com. I would answer with a resounding duh. I didn't do the compulsive lying, and I don't think I have trouble finishing projects. I vacillate between being ultra-responsible and tragically forgetful about important things (like I'm bad with money and have forgotten to pay rent on time more than once).

It wasn't until I got to the second page, though, that I had to pick my jaw up off the floor and go, "Oh wow, that's me." I judge myself harshly. I always have. I never felt like anything I did growing up was good enough. I've gotten somewhat better about this as I've gotten older, but self-doubt is really hard to get rid of entirely..or even mostly. The biggest one for me, though, is the fact that I'm hypersensitive. I was reading through the example, and I just put my head in my hands and closed my eyes in self-recognition. I did this to my husband last night. He was moody and monosyllabic coming in the door because he hadn't eaten all day. I picked up the cues and rather than just let him chill and work it out himself, I tied myself in knots inside thinking he was mad at me, oh god, what could I do to make it better? I do this on a regular basis. I'm sure it drives the people I love nuts. I'm trying really hard not to immediately go to defcon 4 at uncomfortable silences, but it's so hard not to. It's so automatic I'm sometimes at a loss as to how to stop myself.

And I know people who fit these habits. My husband is horrible about finishing projects. He also judges himself more harshly than anyone I've ever met. He still has moments where he looks at me and tells me he doesn't deserve me. It breaks my heart. Others too, of course. One kid I knew growing up was raised by his grandparents (teenage mom didn't want him), and he was the biggest compulsive liar and also perpetually irresponsible. I can very easily see how these traits can be common in people from broken homes/dysfunctional families.